That Which We Have Seen and Heard

I slept soundly last night for the first time in over a week. It was wonderful. On my way to the kitchen, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the bathroom mirror. As a female, I look in the mirror every day, but it's usually at parts of me - an eyelid, a gray hair, a stray eyebrow, a new laugh line. Today I looked in the mirror and saw me, saw Lauren. It felt like it'd been a long time.

For the last two weeks, I've been sharing blog posts with my Friday night group. I've confessed to a crowd something that I've previously only whispered to a few. It's been a terrifying, liberating experience.

Initially I was excited for all the wrong reasons - I get to share my blog! Maybe they'll like it...maybe it's not good enough...maybe - hold it. Wait. Stop. Ever so clearly, I felt the Spirit say, "it's not about you, Lauren. All you're doing is sharing how God showed up for you when you were at the end of yourself. It's all about Him." In the span of an hour, God changed my heart so that when it was time to share, I was appropriately nervous, praying that He'd handpicked the people who came and that He would use my experience to touch their lives - that I would be a vessel in His hands. That was the first Friday.

I thought I'd be more relaxed the next week - after all, the hard work was done - but actually I was more nervous; I'm still not sure why. My prayer remained the same, that He would be honored, that He would touch hearts, but the anxiety persisted. Maybe it's okay that it did. Maybe it kept me acutely aware that without Him I offer nothing. Maybe it was important for me to push through the fear no matter what the personal consequences. Maybe it's not about being comfortable, but about testifying to "that which I've seen and heard," His presence in my here and now.

All I know is that when I saw myself in the mirror this morning, I saw eyes that were clear and rested. I saw peace instead of weariness. I saw wholeness instead of all the many flaws.

Beneath the lingering anxiety, I saw joy.

That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, concerning the Word of Life - the life was manifested, and we have seen, and bear witness, and declare to you that eternal life which was with the Father and was manifested to us - that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you also may have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ. And these things we write to you that your joy may be full. 1 John 1:1-4